Hey All…Here comes, yes…another Peditto Summer apology…
Sorry about the long delay between posts, folks. I’m still here. Post Costa Rica and Colombia–shaking off 20 months of COVID cobwebs. It looked like this… Medellin, Colombia, Poblado district, 16 floors straight up…
Back in Chicago again. The living large usually must be paid for, and so we again find ourselves on the screenwriting beam, today with an Oldie but Goodie…
No idea how there is no evidence this article, written by Allen Glazier, Director of the Slamdance Screenplay Competition, ever existed.
So be it. I’ll republish it for posterity.
This is a compilation of everything bad he sees in screenplays that come (came?) his way. It first came out on Wordplayer.com quite some time ago and breaks me up every time I read it. So funny and so true…we can learn just as much from the worst of screenwriting as from the very best.
Here we go…
“INT. FRAT ROOM- DAY
Two college buds, DAN and DON, sit on a couch. Dan is 22, 167 pounds, 5 feet 11 inches, has curly brown hair, a pug nose, a 10 1/2 D shoe size, an innie belly button, and is missing both his wisdom teeth. Don is a Tom Cruise type with a hint of Brad Pitt.
“You Don’t Know This Song” by The Obscures blares in the b.g. It’s followed by “Can’t Get The Music Rights” by the Wishful Thinkers. On a notepad, Dan jots ideas for a screenplay.
DAN (parenthetically): Hey Don, think characters with similar names would confuse readers?
DON: Nah, why would it?
Denny walks into the room. Denny’s the kind of guy who looks like a closed book until you open it. Three years ago he got dumped by his first love. It was during spring break. He has never owned a cat. Denny’s followed by DONNA, a typical English Major.
DENNY: Hey guys, what’s up?
DAN: (welcoming): Hi Denny! Donna! (quizzically) Just wondering if it’s bad for my characters to have similar names.
DENNY: Who gives a crap?
DONNA: Yeah, that’s dumb. Just come up with a good story.
Hold for three and a half beats. Dan sweats profusely.
DENNY: So, you’re really writing a screenplay?
CANDY, an aerobicized hotty who could easily pass for a supermodel enters. She’s gorgeous in a visually stunning way and exudes a comely attractiveness. (Note to the Director: The actress should be very pretty.)
Candy flashes a beauty queen smile, oozing sexuality in an erotic fashion.
CANDY: Hi Dan, Don, Denny, Donna!
The song “Let’s Distract The Reader” by Grand Annoyance PLAYS, as we…
SMASH CUT TO….“
So, what’s so bad? Look below…
Here’s the official list:
1) “Obsessively precise character description
2) Character description citing popular actors
3) Overly abstract character introductions or introductions that contain information not on the screen.
4) Emphasizing that a character is cliché by calling him/her “typical”.
5) Overemphasis on whether a character’s attractive or not, especially when it plays no role in the story.
6) Use of redundant language in description.
7) Overuse of “beat”.
8) “Sweating profusely” appears in an amazing number of scripts.
9) Obsessive use of specific songs.
10) Overuse of SMASH CUT, etc.
11) Choosing character names that are very similar for no reason.
12) Overuse of parenthetical acting cues.“
