In search for my favorite sex scenes in the movies, it occurred to me there were a bunch which are flat out horrible–I mean Ed Wood bad. If I Googled it I’m sure I’d find a list of Worst Sex movies but my list will be a bit different. As with the Best Sex scene list, I’ll provide the script pages and, if available, the movie scene on YouTube. Should be fun… let’s go to the videotape!
- ABOVE THE LAW
You’re like… what? There’s no sex here. Yes, I know, it may or may not have happened before the scene started. The famous “Off Screen movie”–all the stuff that happens before the scene starts. This is all secondary, however, to the fact that my own brother, Chris Peditto, plays the pimp in this scene! Yes, that’s him getting his face smashed in by Steve Seagal. As believable he is as a slimeball, it’s a crappy sex scene. Enjoy!
REVERSE - NICO'S POV * A young PIMP -- quite handsome in a boyish way -- stares up in panic from a grimy mattress on the floor. Little LUCY is in bra and panties, strung out, 14 and beautiful. Syringes and free-base paraphernalia are on a table. NICO IN DOORWAY * NICO (to Pimp) This ain't your day, kid. Nico comes in, eyes taking in everything. ABOVE THE LAW - Rev. 4/17/87 17. PIMP Wait, man. It ain't like it looks -- Nico grabs the Pimp by the scruff of the neck, lifting him bodily. Lucy starts wailing in horror. Nico smashes the Pimp's face down into a mirror with white powder on the table -- NICO That's two years. He jerks the Pimp back, rips open a drawer. More pills and glacene bags. NICO That's four. (twisting the Pimp's neck toward Lucy) She'll get you eight more. And I'm just warming up -- Lucy is crying hysterically. Nico flings the Pimp, face * bloody, toward the open door. * PIMP (to Nico, indicat- ing drugs) Take it, baby. It's all yours -- NICO Get your clothes on, Lucy. PIMP There's money. Three grand in the mattress... (begging) ... I can get ya more --
- BASIC INSTINCT
The infamous crotch shot is sooo overrated! Sharon Stone vamps it up the whole movie and, shoot me, I’m just not impressed. The script, though, sold for a million bucks, so I wondered what that looked like. Got no video for the top of the movie so the trailer will have to do. Here’s the opening of the script. You tell me–is this sex scene a million-dollar teaser?
INT. A BEDROOM - NIGHT It is dark; we don't see clearly. a man and woman make love on a brass bed. There are mirrors on the walls and ceiling. On a side table, atop a small mirror, lines of cocaine. A tape deck PLAYS the Stones "Sympathy for the Devil." Atop him... she straddles his chest... her breasts in his face. He cups her breasts. She leans down, kisses him... JOHNNY BOZ is in his late 40's, slim, good-looking. We don't see the woman's face. She has long blonde hair. The CAMERA STAYS BEHIND and to the side of them. She leans close over his face, her tongue in his mouth... she kisses him... she moves her hands up, holds both of his arms above his head. She moves higher atop him... she reaches to the side of the bed... a white silk scarf is in her hand... her hips above his face now, moving... slightly, oh-so slightly... his face strains towards her. The scarf in her hand... she ties his hands with it... gently... to the brass bed... his eyes are closed... tighter... lowering hips into his face... lower... over his chest... his navel. The SONG plays. He is inside her... his head arches back... his throat white. She arches her back... her hips grind... her breasts are high... Her back arches back... back... her head tilts back... she extends her arms... the right arm comes down suddenly... the steel flashes... his throat is white... He bucks, writhes, bucks, convulses... It flashes up... it flashes down... and up... and down... and up... and...
Gross out alien sex, oh yeah! This movie has some major story issues, obviously, but the birth of the first Alien happens here. No video on it but if you watch this explanation of what Prometheus ACTUALLY means, go to minute 15 to see the scene in question. The script page is here(sorry about the clumping of dialogue/action lines, I’ve spaced it but it’s not cooperating)…
- THE SHINING: BATHTUB SCENE
This is actually a classic sex scene. It’s TOO good in a way. The gross out at the end puts it on the list of skin-crawling sex scenes. Got the video of the actual scene below, and here’s the script(I guess Kubrick didn’t get the memo about no CUT TO’s)…
INT. HOTEL - ROOM 237 - M.S. Mantlepiece and fireplace. CAMERA PANS R-L across room to open door. Then TRACKS FORWARD through doorway to slightly open door of bathroom. CAMERA STOPS TRACKING. Door swings open to reveal YOUNG LADY seated in bath behind curtain. CUT TO: M.C.S. JACK CUT TO: M.S. YOUNG LADY seated in bath behind curtain. She draws curtain aside with hand. CUT TO: M.C.S. JACK - he smiles. CUT TO: M.S. YOUNG LADY stands up in bath. CUT TO: M.C.S. JACK CUT TO: M.S. YOUNG LADY steps out of bath. CUT TO: M.C.S. JACK - he smiles. CUT TO: 79. M.S. YOUNG LADY walks forward from bath and stops in f.g. CUT TO: M.C.S. JACK - he moves forward. CUT TO: M.S. JACK moves forward to YOUNG LADY - she puts her arms round his neck. He puts his arms round her and they kiss. CUT TO: M.C.S. JACK over YOUNG LADY as they kiss. He opens his eyes and reacts. He pulls back from YOUNG LADY - CAMERA PANS L-R onto mirror. JACK & WOMAN reflected in it. He sees that she is covered with scars. He takes his arms away from her - she starts to laugh.
- PRETTY WOMAN
Don’t have the video on this one but Jesus… let’s see if I get this right… Julia Roberts is a street hooker? She looks like, well, Julia Roberts, but has decided that working the street for $250-a-go is a better option than, say, working for $500 – $2,000 per night for an escort service? Then multi-millionaire Richard Gere, who has his choice of super models, who just happens to be cruising by a street with streetwalkers, sees her and picks a streetwalker instead of, say, that $2,000 a night escort? Sure, Wall Street guys do that all the time! Don’t have the sex scene in video because there isn’t one, on screen. This is a big-budget Rom Com date movie and we don’t get anything close to reality because that’s not what the audience is paying for, damn it! This is Cinderella, a silver screen illusion, a freakin’ popcorn movie, Peditto! Deal with it!
Edward pours the champagne into a single long stemmed glass and hands one to Vivian. EDWARD (cont'd) My ex-wife lives in London in what used to be my home. My girlfriend is in New York moving out of my apartment even as we speak. Cheers. He drinks, nods approvingly. EDWARD It's a very good year. VIVIAN Oooh, thank god. Edward laughs softly. She sips it. To her surprise, really likes it. Edward lifts a lid on a silver bowl to reveal a dozen enormous strawberries. EDWARD Try a strawberry. VIVIAN Why? EDWARD Because they bring out the flavor of the champagne. VIVIAN Jesus, you act like you're seducing some Valley girl you picked up in a dance club. EDWARD Vivian... the meter's running... cooperate. A moment. She slowly eats a strawberry. The juice of it stains her lips. Her eyes are like smoke as she takes a sensuous sip of champagne, licks away the stain of the strawberry. His eyes haven't left her. EDWARD (softly) You really are a very beautiful girl. VIVIAN (husky-voiced) Just a romantic, that's you. EDWARD Yes... Her mouth is so wet and inviting... he leans closer... VIVIAN Me too. He's about to kiss her... VIVIAN (cont'd) Not on the lips. He freezes. She pulls his head down to her breast. INT. PENTHOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT Edward and Vivian on the bed. He is on his back, his shoulder and head resting against the headboard. She is astride him, hands resting on his chest, rocking... in control, confident... very much liking the fire she's kindled in his eyes. INT. PENTHOUSE BEDROOM - CLOSE ANGLE ON THEIR FACES - NIGHT EDWARD (touching her breasts) What do you like? VIVIAN If I want you to turn me on I'll pay you three hundred. Just lay back and let me drive. Smiling, Vivian reaches behind her, touching him. He tries not to groan. She's moving faster now. Edward suddenly pulls her violently to him, he rolls her over...